My krishna and me..

Earlyin the morning before getting up from bed;while reclining on pillows; verymuch awake and looking up ,seeing the white ceiling of the room casually,my mind was making many resolutions for the day;including not to follow certain habits and to surely do certain things ;even when I knew somewhere underneathe my unsystematic thoughts;these resolutions are destined to be broken by midday;and are definitely not supposed to get accomplished.But recently these process has become another habit of mine;keeping my eyes on the lord krishna's small statue,violet in colour, kept on the table.But always my mind gets one definite consolation in this routine,that my Krishna also knows what I was thinking when I woke up,so even if I dont go through the plans and implement them by the evening ,its not my fault alone.He made me with the habit of blaming others or the world for my incomplete or unfullfilled wishes and expectations rather than blaming my own lazyness and lack of willpower.so now I dont have a problem in blaming him too,for whatever senseless blunders I am doing on my way.Then I dont hesitate also to ask him directly,"why ddnt you prevent me from doing that even when you were well aware what is going to be my next action "or " why ddn't you tell me to do it when I was not doing things which should havebeen definitely done." Unlike in childhood,now me and my krishna remain in a very friendly attitude towards each other.In childhood I believed in him as the strongest person in the world who can do anything in a second,if I ask him for it.Later on when I grew up I understood he is not directly interested in any of his creations personally.He had definitely made a same size cup for everyone.,and it is up to the person who uses it how to use it half empty or half full.may be I also belong to the half empty group.For this blaming him has no point I know.But for me he is the most close and the most easy person in my life to blame conveniently with a trust that is impossible to develop with any mortal beings.And deep inside I know he is my final destination from all confusons of living.
Krishna was always a part of my life.Throughout life he was physically there as a statue of some form and spiritually as defferent strange ,unusual ,challenging,experiences as the charioteer.The earliest physical krishna had a dark blue color as I remember him.I used to admire him on a rack in my bedroom above the foot end of my bed so that I can see him when I wake up.My brother had another krishna who was more brighter in colour.I had an eye on him too.Later this statue fell down somehow and lost one of his hands holding the flute.Then he became unauspicious and was kept in a corner.Later I found him when I visited my maternal home and took him with me and kept in my drawing room.In childhood I used to see the black krishna in southindian temples and krishna in a lying down posture in a very famous temple,where you have to see his three parts through three doors.When I went to a famous south indian temple I bought the biggest krishna in my life and he is 3 feet tall.Still being with me in my prayer room.
As age advanced my interst changed from single krishna to the radha krishna pair and I started collecting statues and photos of the eternal pair.I used to give statues and photos of lord krishna as gifts to dear ones.Then one day a friend told me "dont give your lord to anybody.if you gift your lord,the person who recieves it from you will get separated from you forever"probably it is true.I lost many such friends in the floods of time.The same friend had her own krishna.she used to say " I talked to my krishna today.I feel I can talk to him anything like my friend.dont you also feel that way?'
There was a statue of radha krishna made of plaster of paris and coloured light pink at my home.Later it was broken by my kids while playing.The head of krishna was broken but he was still holding flute in his hands while radha was holding him in her arms.I kept that statue in my balcony for a long time.Everyone who saw it asked me."why you keep this? " I told them'he is my headless krishna'
This way my association with krishna started from the black rock ones ,which were untouchable accordibng to south indian temple rules and now at present remaining with beautiful krishnas made in white marble , with his toe nails painted red and having smooth cool feet which I can touch and feel.
In real life I have never seen a complete krishna.But only parts of him in various charecters.So as historians say a single krishna never existed.Actually krishna might have been the essence of many male personalities.But I feel radha was single and she really existed and still exists in same way as in history to be forgotten in the same way as in history.